Santa Accused of Assaulting Third Elf


by David Todd McCarty | Thursday, November 30, 2017

In a stunning new development, in what has been a month of developments, a third elf has come forward to accuse Santa Claus of sexual harassment and retaliatory behavior. The yet unidentified elf has come forward with claims that Mr. Claus made unwanted sexual advances while they were flying over the Horn of Africa sometime on Christmas Eve in 2011. It was not clear whether the elf involved was male or female, or really whether or not there is such a thing.

The elf went public this week, after complaining to HR, in what they were assured was a confidential meeting, only to be subsequently demoted to painting faces on Chucky dolls, a more or less discontinued item.

The elf’s lawyer, Yukon Cornelius, claims that his client was retaliated against after Mrs. Claus discovered the incident and wouldn’t allow the elf to continue working Christmas Eve duty.

Ignatius Thistlewhite, lawyer for the Clause Corporation vehemently denied the accusations calling them “baseless and without merit.” He countered, “This is merely the case of a disgruntled elf who is trying to attack a beloved childhood figure. The truth is, this was a substandard elf who was demoted for poor performance.”

Mr. Cornelius responded with copies of the Elf’s ERA (Elf Readiness Assessment) reports that showed his client had been given exemplary marks up until the incident, and no reason was given for the demotion. “My client was verbally abused with comments on their uniform as well as groped repeatedly. This a case of power over the powerless and it has to stop.”

Asked why it has taken some of these elves so long to come forward, Mr. Cornelius replied, “You have to understand who you’re dealing with here. This isn’t the Easter Bunny. This isn’t the Tooth Fairy. This is the Big C. Santa Claus. He’s beloved by millions. Who are you going to believe?”

He went on to say that he felt it was an extremely difficult and brave decision to come forward, but that his client felt it was a duty to speak out before any more elves were harassed.

Mr. Cornelius also claimed that he has spoken to several other elves off the record, two of whom had witnessed the incident, and another who heard about it later. So far none of those elves have come forward, and this outlet can’t independently confirm their accounts. Mr. Cornelius represents all the elves who have come forward so far and critics have argued that Cornelius has ulterior motives and is simply looking for a payday from the wealthy toymaker. Mr. Cornelius has countered that news outlets have been slow to report the accusations because of the upcoming Christmas season and the pressure put on them by UPS. UPS is the exclusive shipper for the Claus Corporation, which began outsourcing much of its shipping after 1982.

You might remember that just last month, two elves, Sprinkles and Snowflake came forward with accusations of their own against both Mr. and Mrs. Claus for sexual harassment, discrimination and lewd behavior. They have both brought suit and their cases are pending.

Mr. Claus has been under immense pressure from the North Pole Syndicate to resign and allow Pere Noel of France to take over delivery duties until the charges are resolved.

“No one wants a sexual predator coming down their chimney,” said a spokesperson for the Syndicate. “It’s bad for business.”

So far Mr. Claus has been defiant, disavowing all charges against him and refusing to step down. In a statement released by their lawyer Mrs. Claus has said that she stands by her husband, although inside sources have revealed that there is a lot of tension between the two.



About me

I'm a writer, director, photographer, cinematographer and art director. A little bit of everything, all rolled into one. I'm a creative guy so it's not unusual to be a bit of a crank and particular about....well, everything. I'm a professed slacker with a pension for excessive creative output.


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