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 by David Todd McCarty | Thursday, August 25, 2016

Dear Men:

We have recently concluded an exhaustive study, including numerous discussions with persons of the female gender, and have determined that the once hopeful program, “Digital Genitalia Distribution in Order to Influence and Entice Women” through the act of sending pictures of your penis via digital means, has not only been unsuccessful, it has actually been a determent to our goal of attracting women in general.

Among the top respondents of the survey were the following:

“Gross.”

“Ewwwww.”

“I don’t know how you live with those things.”

“Seriously? That?”

The good news is, despite the often repulsion that occurs due to the sight of our genitalia, they still seem to be interested in us as a species, so all is not lost.

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by David Todd McCarty | Monday, December 14, 2015

I fucking love Christmas. I do. I love everything about it. The carols, the decorations, the weather, the movies and tv shows, giving gifts, the food, hell—sometimes—even the Church service. But I’m a traditionalist. And by that I mean, I like Christmas the way it was when I was a kid. I like an old fashioned Christmas with all the trimmings. Let me explain.

There are rules, so let me start with rule number one.

 

The Christmas Tree.

A fake Christmas tree has about as much likelihood of making you happy as that fake fireplace on your TV has of keeping you warm. You might as well be that uppity couple who live next door to the Griswolds, Todd and Margot, who live in an antiseptic, plastic existence and who appreciate nothing about the spirit of Christmas.

And I don’t want to hear that you’re allergic. Get behind me Grinch!

There’s a lot that goes into a Christmas Tree. For starters it is so much more than its shape. It’s the smell, the way your hands are sticky after putting it up, and even the mess. You have to water them, even though it doesn’t seem to do much good and your pets think it’s their personal water bowl for the season no matter how much you yell at them. They shed like a nervous Chow and when you’re done with them they all look like a plucked chicken. But that’s not the point.

The effort is half the experience when it comes to a Christmas Tree, so first, you have to go buy your tree.

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by David Todd McCarty | Wednesday, November 25, 2015

There’s no better feeling in the world than walking out of a proper barbershop having just had a wonderful experience and looking and feeling your best. It’s transcendent. It’s a wonderful experience—when done right anyway.

The problem, for me, is I hate taking the time necessary to get a haircut, let alone a shave. I have to stop what I’m doing, drive to the barber, potentially wait as much as an hour or more, just for the opportunity to get my 20 minute haircut. I don’t enjoy the community of hanging around in a barbershop shooting the shit and arguing about nonsense. It’s not my style.

Even with the resurgence of vintage culture brought about by the hipster scene, it’s increasingly difficult to find a decent barbershop, especially outside of major urban areas. In 2011, it was the fastest growing business in America, and there has been a resurgence in barbershops for men. But I fear that it was just a trend and when the hipster grooming thing ends, so will the interest in barbering.

It was such a big trend, that traditional salons were getting into the mix, putting in barbershops to compete for the male customer. But I’ve found it’s not really the same thing.

Let me quickly walk you through what a proper Barbershop looks like to me.

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by David Todd McCarty | Friday, November 20, 2015

We have a saying in the McCarty family: Often wrong, but never in doubt.  No one has ever accused a McCarty of not having a strong opinion. Even in the face of insurmountable odds, we’re sure we’re going the right way, have the right tools for the job, and understand clearly how to achieve the goal at hand. That’s not to say we haven’t ended up at the bottom of a cliff, or on the wrong side of the barrel of a gun in the course of our efforts.

But we’re confident, not stupid. We realize we get it wrong as often as we get it right, but that doesn’t stop us from believing wholeheartedly in our vision of success. Which is to say, I come by it honestly, and I’m aware of my limitations in rare moments of reflection.

We’re an old Irish clan, so it should come as no big surprise that we have big ideas and strong opinions. We come from an island of Kings. Kingdoms with no power and no wealth. Pride is what we had instead of land and riches.

My family, originally known as the Mac Cárthaigh clan comes from County Cork, which is one of the oldest clans in Ireland. The motto on our coat of arms is, “Nothing is Difficult to the Brave and Faithful.” That’s pretty cocky if you ask me.

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by David Todd McCarty | Thursday, November 19, 2015

We love lists in this country. We like to make them. We like to read them. If this wasn’t true click-farms like BuzzFeed and Huffington Post wouldn’t post so damn many of them. The lists don’t actually have to be that good because it’s all about the headline. If you click on the headline, they get paid. They don’t really give a shit if you read it or not. Actually that’s not true. They want you to forward to a friend with the phrase, “I can’t stop laughing.”

These are a small sample I found on just one page of BuzzFeed. These are all real.

24 Things That Happen Every Time You Get Drunk.
11 Reasons Why Christmas Is Actually The Scariest Holiday
24 Reasons Why Netflix Is The Most Important Thing In Your Life.
14 Celebrity Names You ALWAYS Have To Google.
11 Signs You’re At A Filipino Party.

Apparently Top Tens were so 2007 and they wanted to appeal to those wacky millennials with their offbeat sense of humor and fancy shoes. So they tend to mix it up a bit.

Eleven seems to be a big number for lists. That makes sense I guess. It’s basically a Top Ten with an extra one thrown in. Maybe a Spinal Tap reference. They go to eleven.  But that seems too retro for the current crop of hipsters. Or has it gotten old enough to be cool? I’m not sure. Eleven is a funny number, though. Just ask the Scottish [WATCH VIDEO].

Twenty-four also seemed to come up quite a bit but that seemed more of a mystery to me. Is it a Jack Bauer reference? The number hours in a day? Simply an overachieving writer? It’s hard to know what evil machinations reside in the minds of BuzzFeed editors.

So, I decided to come with my own list. I can’t really speak intelligently about the current crop of celebrities and I’m not all that hip on the latest pop culture references, so I stayed away from any of that. They say to write what you know, so as far as I can tell, these are:

THE 11 WORST PEOPLE IN AMERICA

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by David Todd McCarty | Tuesday, November 3, 2015

We live in a loud world.

The music. The traffic. The colors. The entertainment. The styles. The music. It’s all deafening.

Kanye and Kardashians. Big egos and asses. Poster children for the era we currently find ourselves in. All hype. No humility.

Even the written word seems to have gotten loud. John Stewart doesn’t make a joke. He destroys. Obama doesn’t make a point. He annihilates the Republicans. She’s not pretty, she’s stunning. You didn’t find something amusing, you can’t stop laughing. It’s not mildly interesting, you won’t be able to believe your eyes.

There is no cool anymore. Just hype.

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by David Todd McCarty | Thursday, October 29, 2015

“It’s almost that time of year when underaged kids get into costume and traipse around the neighborhood ringing doorbells and begging for treats.”

When it comes to Halloween, I believe the world is split into two groups: those who love Halloween, and those who think it’s a pointless waste of time and money spent trying to recapture your youth and somehow simultaneously dressing like pimps and whores.

I’m in the second group.

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by David Todd McCarty | Tuesday, August 25, 2015

 

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

These forty-five words encompass the most basic of American rights: freedom of religion, freedom of speech, freedom of the press, the right of assembly, and the right of petition.

One might argue that it’s the basis, not only for our system of government, but our entire culture in these United States. The freedom of expression looms large in our political landscape; but also in our view of individual expression and the freedom from oppression.

But since nearly the beginning, it was understood as a delicate balance between the rights of the individual and the good of the whole.

This morning I was flipping through Facebook and I came across a series of disturbing posts concerning an off-campus residence at Old Dominion University who’s residents had decided to paint signs on bedsheets that hung from their balcony that read things like,

“Freshman daughter drop off”
“Rowdy and Fun. Hope your baby girl is ready for a good time…”
“Go ahead and drop off Mom too…”

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by David Todd McCarty | Wednesday, August 5, 2015

 

I want to talk to you today about civility. That thing that separates us from the birds of the air and the beasts of the field. The ability to live in a society free from mayhem simply because we choose to think about how our actions affect other people. In short, I want to talk to you about traveling single file.

I realize this might be something of a mystery to some of you, so let me explain.

For centuries, animals and humans have traveled through the world single file. Often it was to hide their numbers, or to keep a lower profile from predators or enemies. In our modern world, traveling single file means thinking about those around you. To put the good of the whole, ahead of the desires of the one.

Now some of you are saying, “I still don’t understand.” So let me further explain for those of you who don’t understand the concept of traveling single file.

You’re the people who walk side by side on the airport people mover keeping me from getting home to my family and loved ones as you blithely stand motionless while discussing the breakfast burrito you had in Tuscon.

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